This post is one of those twists from the past, written back when I weighed 150 lbs. after being on the Master Cleanse for 20+ days. I lost a total of 33 lbs. in 36 days (getting down to a size 8 at 133 lbs. – my smallest ever in my post college adult life) and I stopped short of my 40 day goal only because the enamel on my teeth felt like it was thinning.
I received many doubting looks from people in the raw community for “cheating” kinda with this cleanse. I didn’t agree with them because I felt so good while on that lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne cleanse. I called it the “hot lemonade” cleanse.
There are times, now, when I want to repeat this feat of 36+ days on the master cleanse because the little devil on my right shoulder says this is the quick way to get rid of this fat and get back to “normal” but then the little angle on my left shoulder says that I need to lose the weight the right way and the master cleanse would be me giving in to the seduction of an eating disorder.
And this isn’t to say that the Master Cleanse is the wrong way to lose weight, I’m just saying that where my mental state has been in the past, this isn’t the right way for me right now.
As I re-read this old post, I realized the truth of that old saying, “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”
– – – – – – – – – – – – – WRITTEN MAY 17, 2012 – – – – – – – – – – – – –
This post is about self-acceptance and the realization that I was fat, sick and depressed to help me along in my journey. Now it’s time to be something else. It’s in response to an “ask Joan” question that I got from Georgina about why I chose the master cleanse. Her question really helped me to get clear on some things as I responded. My gratitude goes out to her for being a catalyst.
I’m doing the master cleanse because I was out of control with my eating and I was desperate to get out of that mode. When I’m in a more controlled state, I can easily do raw (and be reasonable). But I had tried that a few times in the previous month, and nothing was stopping the frantic feelings I was having. I didn’t know if it was hormonal, all I know is that the scale was creeping up everyday and I couldn’t seem to stem the flow of hand to mouth action. So I can be very controlled – or completely out of control. So the master cleanse was a temporary shelter from the storm while I get outfitted with some new skills. I’m seeking help via acupuncture and hormonal therapy during my master cleanse downtime.
But for now I’m on day 26 of the master cleanse and I’m feeling great, light, clean, attuned. I like moving now and want to exercise. I want to lay in the sun. I want to put my cares and stresses down and realize that my body is like it is/was for a purpose. And now that that purpose has been fulfilled it’s okay for it to transform into the vehicle that will carry me into my next phase of life.
I realize that I’ve judged and been harsh with myself for a long time. I’ve sabotaged efforts to cleanse, lose weight and be in good shape because I had issues and hurts that I was nurturing with that fat, defensive walls that I raised with that fat, and a hermit that stayed sheltered/burrowed even in that fat. And it wasn’t just me, I judged others just as harshly – which probably was my only relief from my own self-critique.
The amount of weight I’ve lost so far isn’t really important to me now. When I first started, I mapped it all out – I would lose 10 pounds the first week (mostly water, I calculated) then 5 pounds a week after that. I’m looking at that chart now and laughing. The real victory is that I started and I’ve continued. I’ve honored my promise to myself that I had to get away from my destructive patterns and I haven’t sabotaged this effort. According to that chart I should have lost 24 pounds by now. I’ve lost 21. But that’s cause for hella-celebration.
No matter what – at the end of this 40 days – I’m going to stand naked in the mirror and be proud of what I see. I’m going to accept me at every stage, shape, size I am because it was all to further my purpose here in life. I honor that and I’ll use it as I move forward. No more shame in my game.